he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
