I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
