Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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