he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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