he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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