yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
