I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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