I met the friendliest cop last night
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
