Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
