the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
