He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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