Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
