I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
