Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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