i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
All I want is dick and wine.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
