My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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