blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
