I wish I only lived at night.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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