Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize