Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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