Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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