it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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