she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
