Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Couch. On fire.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
