I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
