WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
