Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize