I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Randomize
