My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
