Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
