Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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