i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
