So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
