I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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