The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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