Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize