why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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