he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
