Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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