DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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