is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
This house was built for laser tag.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
