Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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