I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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