Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
