If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
