So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
