she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We have started to decorate penises.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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