Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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