I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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