Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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