so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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