I can text with my tongue
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
