paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Can Purell be used as lube?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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